Finding Faith & Fertility

Today I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Bernard and I went on a date night with our friends Phylicia and Randol. We left their place at about midnight, but Bernard and I stayed up late talking about business ideas, economics, and how to protect your business against corrupt people. It was a great conversation! It just led to us going to bed at about 2a instead of midnight. Lately, Bernard has been getting up earlier in the morning. It seems after about 6 hours of sleep he can't sleep anymore (I think the daylight outside makes it tougher for him as well). He got up without me noticing and jumped in the shower. Unfortunately our bathroom is in the bedroom and he started singing (which normally is very cute but since I didn't sleep that well it was a disturbance). After unsuccessful trying to go back to sleep, I decided to just get up and study my scriptures (one of my monthly goals). Poor Bernard, such a sweet man doing all the right things...and then I come in with my lack of sleep and become the wicked wife of the west. At least I know when to keep my mouth shut when I'm irritated. I know have I tendency to say the wrong thing. Figured I'd spare him today ;)

I've been reading my scriptures lately in hopes of achieving several goals. Of them the most important ones are A) Understand the Lord's plan for me, B) Understand why faith is necessary in order for a miracle to take place and C) Be a better disciple of Christ by Becoming instead of just doing. I mentioned that I was planning on starting a family with my husband. I haven't updated on that since. I found out from the doctor that the reason I've gone most of my life not having menstrual cycles is because my progesterone is too low. My first tested progesterone was 0.48nmol/L. From what I've read I should be at about a 1.0+. Because of the low levels, I don't ovulate. This is a pretty common problem among women so I'm not particularly frustrated by that fact alone. My frustration is my from my own impatience than anything. We found this news out at about April and have since tried one full cycle of Clomid at 50mg. It did raise my progesterone to 0.55nmol/L, but that's not high enough to ovulate. My doc wants to try two more rounds before ruling that dose out and raising it. For me that's frustrating.

I'm on this mindset that I should be pregnant TODAY! And I'm pretty tired of waiting. I've struggled my whole live with these fertility problems and I have always worried about it. I'd like to get things going and I feel like this slow moving doctor is holding me back. Sometimes I just want to let her know I've waited so long for this and I can't handle it! But I never say that. My doc had to go through the same thing I'm going through. As a matter of fact, she was the person who had cysts (one of the side effects of clomid) and had to have them surgically removed. In the end, she succeeded! She has 3 kids, 2 of which are twins. But she was at this a lot longer than I've been. I've been trying to keep the faith needed to withstand this, as it's been really tough to not know for certain that things will work out. I started to wonder what faith really means.

I was watching Finding Faith In Christ and one thing Thomas said struck me: "With God, nothing is impossible, though some things must first be believed." I wish I could say I understood that, but my first question was "Why?" Why do I have to have faith before the Lord will grant me a blessing? Doesn't He see I  need it? I've since, been on this quest to understand why faith would be required in order for Him to perform a miracle. Little by little, I've come across some scriptures in the Bible and the Book of Mormon that have helped. I'm still learning and it is my hope (or perhaps my desperation) that the Lord will show me what I need to do in order for me to progress in this life...whether that is towards having children biologically or through adoption.

**P.S. Just to further show how awesome my husband is, he brought me flowers after venturing to the store to pick up a couple things. What a sweetheart!**