Finding Faith & Fertility

Today I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Bernard and I went on a date night with our friends Phylicia and Randol. We left their place at about midnight, but Bernard and I stayed up late talking about business ideas, economics, and how to protect your business against corrupt people. It was a great conversation! It just led to us going to bed at about 2a instead of midnight. Lately, Bernard has been getting up earlier in the morning. It seems after about 6 hours of sleep he can't sleep anymore (I think the daylight outside makes it tougher for him as well). He got up without me noticing and jumped in the shower. Unfortunately our bathroom is in the bedroom and he started singing (which normally is very cute but since I didn't sleep that well it was a disturbance). After unsuccessful trying to go back to sleep, I decided to just get up and study my scriptures (one of my monthly goals). Poor Bernard, such a sweet man doing all the right things...and then I come in with my lack of sleep and become the wicked wife of the west. At least I know when to keep my mouth shut when I'm irritated. I know have I tendency to say the wrong thing. Figured I'd spare him today ;)

I've been reading my scriptures lately in hopes of achieving several goals. Of them the most important ones are A) Understand the Lord's plan for me, B) Understand why faith is necessary in order for a miracle to take place and C) Be a better disciple of Christ by Becoming instead of just doing. I mentioned that I was planning on starting a family with my husband. I haven't updated on that since. I found out from the doctor that the reason I've gone most of my life not having menstrual cycles is because my progesterone is too low. My first tested progesterone was 0.48nmol/L. From what I've read I should be at about a 1.0+. Because of the low levels, I don't ovulate. This is a pretty common problem among women so I'm not particularly frustrated by that fact alone. My frustration is my from my own impatience than anything. We found this news out at about April and have since tried one full cycle of Clomid at 50mg. It did raise my progesterone to 0.55nmol/L, but that's not high enough to ovulate. My doc wants to try two more rounds before ruling that dose out and raising it. For me that's frustrating.

I'm on this mindset that I should be pregnant TODAY! And I'm pretty tired of waiting. I've struggled my whole live with these fertility problems and I have always worried about it. I'd like to get things going and I feel like this slow moving doctor is holding me back. Sometimes I just want to let her know I've waited so long for this and I can't handle it! But I never say that. My doc had to go through the same thing I'm going through. As a matter of fact, she was the person who had cysts (one of the side effects of clomid) and had to have them surgically removed. In the end, she succeeded! She has 3 kids, 2 of which are twins. But she was at this a lot longer than I've been. I've been trying to keep the faith needed to withstand this, as it's been really tough to not know for certain that things will work out. I started to wonder what faith really means.

I was watching Finding Faith In Christ and one thing Thomas said struck me: "With God, nothing is impossible, though some things must first be believed." I wish I could say I understood that, but my first question was "Why?" Why do I have to have faith before the Lord will grant me a blessing? Doesn't He see I  need it? I've since, been on this quest to understand why faith would be required in order for Him to perform a miracle. Little by little, I've come across some scriptures in the Bible and the Book of Mormon that have helped. I'm still learning and it is my hope (or perhaps my desperation) that the Lord will show me what I need to do in order for me to progress in this life...whether that is towards having children biologically or through adoption.

**P.S. Just to further show how awesome my husband is, he brought me flowers after venturing to the store to pick up a couple things. What a sweetheart!**

Old Testament Religion Class Post

***This post is for a religion class I'm taking***

Choice 1: Numbers 1, 26. Why is this Book Called “Numbers?”

Read the chapter summaries for Numbers 1 and 26 and the Institute Student Manual introduction to Numbers 1-12 (pg. 197). Then answer the following questions in writing:

•        Why do you think this book carries the title of “Numbers”?

According to the institute student manual, “Numbers” refers to the census given at the beginning of the book, but does not refer to the content of the book.

•        What time period of Israel’s history does Numbers cover?

Numbers covers about 40 years, the time in which the men were wandering in the wilderness.

•        How many males 20 years of age and older were there at the beginning of the children of Israel’s sojourn into the wilderness? How many were there after 40 years in the wilderness?

When the children of Israel began their journey to the wilderness, there were 603,550 men 20 yrs. and older. Throughout the wandering, 250 rebelled as well as Datham, Korah and Abiram (Numbers 16). The Lord also sent a plague after the children of Israel complained. The plague killed 14,700.

Holiness to the Lord

** This is for a class I'm taking :) Figured I'd try posting on my blog for this assignment**

Choice 3: Leviticus 17-25. Be Holy even as I, the Lord, am Holy.

Becoming holy and sanctified means drawing closer to God therefore becoming less common. In other words it means being in the world but not of it. Jehovah was the perfect person to command His followers to be holy, as He was holy himself. If he were not holy could not expect His followers to become something He was not. In order for us to teach others to be holy we need to exemplify holiness as well. Part of being holy is keeping the commandments, staying close to Heavenly Father, and following Christ’s example. Through reading the book of Leviticus I am able to learn what commandments I am to follow and how I am to follow my Savior.

 The Lord tells us that when we follow the commandments “[we] shall live in them” and I think this relates to having eternal life through obedience to the commandments and ordinances the Lord has set forth. Some of the commandments found are:

1.      Honor thy Father and Mother

2.      Love thy neighbor (do not curse him)

3.      Love thy God (give reverence to Him)

4.      Do not judge unrighteously

5.      Do not commit adultery

I think the commandments we as people have a hardest time with is judging unrighteously, loving our God, and committing adultery. Personal I struggle the most with judging unrighteously. I have been learning through my errors in judgment that I jump to conclusions far too quickly and I tend to stick to what I have falsely assumed. I have learned to allow the spirit to direct the way I feel about something or someone and allow compassion to guide my heart.

Not Ashamed

You know when you make a decision that you know will be the start of something great for you? Sometimes we feel like we should share those and then sometimes we feel like we shouldn't. Bernard and I made the decision last month to get rid of the birth control and let The Lord grant us a child when He was ready.
For the longest time I haven't been telling anyone. I was feeling like maybe people would think we were crazy for making that decision so soon. And then, especially at BYU Idaho, after telling people anytime I get sick they'd think I was pregnant :-/ I guess part of it was my own insecurities of being able to trust that when it was the right time we WOULD get pregnant.
None of that should deter me from owning a decision we both made together through prayer. I'm feeling like owning our decision should be part of the revelation process. Not only pondering, asking, and acting, but also taking responsibility for the decision made.
With that, I'm proud to announce that Bernard and I have made the decision to start having kids :) Phew! Man that feels good ;)